How TO Win Friends AND Influence People Around

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE AROUND

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.  

 once wrote a book on How to influence Friends and People. This book is often listed as one of the most influential books of all time. Some say that it spawned the multi-billion-dollar personal development industry we know today; that it transformed how we relate to others and changed the game of professional relationship building.

If you question the impact that ’s book has had on millions of individuals and groups around the world, then simply conduct a Google search and you will discover firsthand the widespread popularity and impact that How to Win Friends and Influence People has had on the world.

Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.  

How to Handle People

1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

2. Arouse in people an eager want.

3. Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

One of the primary areas that  focuses on is our ability to handle people effectively under different conditions and circumstances. He points out that we must never criticize, condemn or complain. The moment we indulge in these destructive verbal habits is the moment we begin to lose the trust and respect of others.

Nobody likes to be criticized or condemned for doing or not doing something — and as much as we might not like to admit it when we hear others complaining we often roll our eyes the other way.

Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a man’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment. 

Arouse an Eager Want

In order to influence people to our way of thinking,  points out that we must arouse in them an eager want. In other words, we must determine what motivates and inspires them to take action or make a specific decision, and then focus our efforts on bringing these things to the surface.

For obvious reasons, it’s difficult to imagine that we could consistently build strong relationships with people by complaining and criticizing them whenever they don’t agree with our point-of-view. However, when we arouse within them an eager “want” and focus on the things that will help motivate them to take action, then at that moment the game changes and we begin to gain influence over their decisions and actions.

Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation. 

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Give the other person consistent honest and sincere appreciation for their efforts, time, energy and skills — even for the smallest of things.

When others feel that they are appreciated long-term, they exude a different zest for life. This new found motivation subsequently moves them to take action and helps us to better influence their choices and decisions. However, keep in mind that there is a difference between honest and sincere appreciation and downright flattery.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. 

How to Make People Like You

4. Remember to smile.

5. Use the person’s name often.

6. Listen well and encourage people to speak first and often.

7. Become genuinely interested in people.

8. Always make people feel important.

9. Always talk about people’s interests.

It’s difficult to build strong bonds and relationships with people long-term if they simply don’t like you. Sometimes people get off on the wrong foot and can’t get along, while at other times they tend to click the instant they meet. Why is that? How does this work?  has a few answers.

Remember to Smile

First of all,  points out that a smile can win over just about anyone’s heart. When we smile, we will often receive smiles in return because others see us as being friendly and approachable. Likewise, a sincere smile can also help us gain the trust of others. It is, in essence, the first step towards personal influence.

I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace. 

Use a Person’s Name Often

Another important component  discusses that helps us build a sense of trust and respect while conversing with others, is our willingness to use the other person’s name during the conversation.

Have you ever been to a room full of people absorbed in a one-to-one conversation, when suddenly you hear someone from the other side of the room faintly call your name? Immediately your attention leaves the conversation and instead focuses on the name you think you heard. The reason this happens is that your name is your calling-cards. It’s an “attention grabber” that focuses you on what’s most important.

Points out that we should use another person’s names throughout our interactions with them on a consistent basis. However, it’s also important to remember not to overdo a good thing. 

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.  

Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it — and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.  

Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

It is said that the person listening and asking the questions controls the conversation. In fact,  points out that by simply listening, by asking questions and encouraging the other person to speak, that he could within a very short period of time gain their trust and respect.

Also points out that the key to listening is derived from our genuine show-of interest in the lives of other people. This is important, because if you come across as being insincere during the conversation, then the other person will pick this up, and you will, therefore, lose favor in their eyes.

Always Make People Feel Important

Another way to improve your “likeability factor” is to make people feel important.  points out that you can do this very easily by talking about people’s interests, then congratulating them on their accomplishments, successes, and victories. You can even make another person feel important when they talk about their problems and concerns. Simply help shift their perspective and encourage them to see that their failures are at the same time their greatest opportunities for success.

When you make a person feel important, a wave of confidence floods over their entire body and as a result your “likeability factor” increases.

How to Win People Over to Your Way of Thinking

10. Allow people to feel that ideas and suggestions are theirs.

11. Get people saying Yes, Yes and Yes immediately and by asking questions.

12. Begin in a friendly way.

13. See things from people’s point of view.

14. Admit when you are wrong quickly and emphatically.

15. Dramatize your ideas.

16. Avoid arguments and telling a person when they are wrong.

17. Avoid talking negatively when people are absent.

Winning others over to our way of thinking isn’t about persuasion. It’s rather about the subtle influence that arouses in the other person certain feelings that naturally allow them to be influenced by what we do or say.

See Things from People’s Point of View

Influence often begins when we start seeing things from the other person’s point of view. Many times, we can become so absorbed in our own opinions, beliefs, values, attitudes, and perspectives that we fail to see through the fog of our own thinking. We interpret what others are saying based on our own psychology and patterns of conditioning. As a result, we fail to really understand the other person.

To avoid this trap, we must begin seeing things from the other person’s point of view; we must step into their shoes and understand the situation from their perspective. Only then can we begin to build long-term rapport.

Tomorrow, before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?” 

Admit When You Are Wrong

We are all human, and as human beings, we tend to make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and as a result, we tend to distrust those who seem a little too good to be true. This likewise affects how we view others and how much of our trust we give them. On the other hand, when we see people being real, making mistakes and learning from those mistakes, we tend to appreciate their transparency and this helps us relate to them on a deeper level. We must therefore occasionally take time to admit our mistakes and point out to others the lessons we have learned as a result of these errors.

An argument would have begun to steam and boil and sputter — and you know how arguments end. Even if I had convinced him that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in. 

Avoid Arguments at all Costs

One thing I have learned over time is that arguing with another person rarely (if ever) leads to positive relations. After an argument, there is always some remorse and some tension on both sides of the fence — even when people have forgiven each other.

It is said that the weak man chooses to argue, while the wise man chooses instead to find common ground. This “common ground” is what builds the foundations for agreement.

Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? 

Don’t Tell People that they are Wrong

When trying to relate to someone it’s important to be aware of resistance triggers. These are things that you say or do that automatically make another person feel uncomfortable within your presence. One of these triggers is telling someone that they are wrong. This immediately puts the person on the defensive and destroys any rapport you may have built over time.

We must realize that everyone makes mistakes. Therefore, should it be our responsibility to point these mistakes out? How will that affect our relationship with them? Is their opinion worth challenging? Or is it irrelevant and unnecessary? These are questions we must continuously keep at the forefront of our minds while conversing with others.

You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words — and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings. 

Get the Other Person Saying “Yes”

Finally, one of the sneaky techniques that  brought up in his Book how to win friends and influence people is to begin a conversation in a friendly way and then get the other person saying yes… yes… yes… immediately by asking questions. By getting a person into a positive frame of mind helps to build long-term rapport, trust, and agreement.

Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.” A “No” response, according to Professor Overstreet, is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself.  

SOME MAJOR IDEAS

1. Do Not Criticize, Condemn or Complain 

Carnegie writes, “Any fool can criticize, condemn or complain- and most fools do.” He continues on to say that it takes character and self-control to be forgiving, this discipline will pay major dividends in your relationships with people.

2. Be Generous with Praise :

Carnegie uses Schwab as an example throughout the book, as someone who exemplifies all of the tenets Carnegie preaches. Schwab used praise as the foundation of all of his relationships, “In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world,” Schwab declared, “I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted in their station who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than they would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”

3. Remember Their Name   :

Remembering people’s names when you meet them is difficult. You casually meet a lot of people so it’s challenging, but if you can train yourself to remember people’s names, it makes them feel special and important. Carnegie writes, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

4. Be Genuinely Interested in Other People  :

Remembering a person’s name, asking them questions that encourage them to talk about themselves so you discover their interests and passions are what make people believe you like them, so they in turn like you. Carnegie writes, “You make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” If you break it down, you should listen 75% and only speak 25% of the time.

5. Know the Value of Charm  :

One things people do not discuss much in the job search industry is that so much of getting an opportunity is not about talent, where you went to college or who you know, it is people liking you. A good resume may get you in the door, but charm, social skills and talent keep you there, and people will normally pick someone they enjoy being around over a candidate they don’t enjoy being around as much but is more talented. Become someone people want to talk to, be genuinely interested in other people, because it will enrich your life and open so many more doors than you ever thought possible.

6. Be Quick to Acknowledge Your Own Mistakes :

Nothing will make people less defensive and more agreeable than you being humble and reasonable enough to admit your own mistakes. Having strong and stable personal and professional relationships relies on you taking responsibility for your actions, especially your mistakes. Nothing will help end tension or a disagreement more than a swift acknowledgment and apology on your part.

7. Don’t Attempt To “Win” An Argument  :

The best way to win any argument, Carnegie writes, is to avoid it. Even if you completely dismantle someone’s argument with objective facts, you won’t be any closer to reaching an agreement than if you made personal arguments. Carnegie cited an old saying: “A man convinced against his will/Is of the same opinion still.” 

 8. Begin on Common Ground :

If you are having a disagreement with someone, you start on common ground and ease your way into the difficult subjects. If you begin on polarizing ground, you’ll never be able to recover, and may lose ground with subjects on which you agree.

9. Have Others Believe Your Conclusion Is Their Own  :

People can not be forced to believe anything, and persuasive people understand the power of suggestion over demand. Learn to plant the seed, and instead of telling people they’re wrong, find the common ground and persuade them that what they really want is your desired outcome (obviously without telling them that is the case).

10. Make People Feel Important  :

Smiling, knowing people’s names, praising people, making an effort to know their interests and chat about them make people feel important. That is the underlying point of all of the above principles. If you make people feel important, how you walk through the world will be an exponentially more pleasant and incredible experience.

In reality, what he had really wanted was a feeling of importance. He got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining. But as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air.  

Fathima Shamsudheen

Hr. Manager

Aircrews aviation PVT Ltd

Fathima.aircrews@gmail.com

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